But not in a good way.
I was supposed to take Sara, dressed as an adorable little poodle, to the Halloween March down the shopping arcade on Saturday morning, and then have my Nagano belly dance debut Saturday night. No such luck.
Friday night I finished practicing for Saturday, and was ready for a nice relaxing bath and bed when my left boob started hurting again. So while I was in the bath I tried to relieve some of the pain myself, but I’m no professional, and it just wasn’t working. I got out of the bath and could already feel a fever coming on. It was about 11 or 12 at night at this point, and I was feeling too bad to even sit and watch TV with Akinori, so I told him I was going to bed. He grabs Sara and brings her up, which I was less than thrilled about because it meant that I had to wake up with her if she woke up before he got there. He could have just brought her up when he came up and let me sleep peacefully, but I was too tired to argue. Sara pretty much stayed asleep anyway. In the meantime the pain was getting worse and worse, to the point where I couldn’t raise my right arm, and my fever was climbing. When Sara did finally wake up, I tried to nurse her and it was so painful I let out a yelp or something that totally freaked her out and she was inconsolable and so was I. So Akinori kept telling me to call the maternity clinic where I gave birth, but I wasn’t so keen on calling them in the middle of the night for something less than contractions that are 10 minutes apart or water breaking, but I finally did when I couldn’t take anymore at 2:30.
I tell the nurse on call my symptoms, she consults with a midwife, and they tell me to come in. I do and am subjected to the most painful oppai massage of my entire life. I don’t even know any words that can describe how painful it was. I honestly wanted them to just cut the damn things off. I just kept thinking in my head, “Was giving birth more painful than this? It couldn’t have been. There’s no way.” Not to mention that my whole body was in pain from the fever to begin with. Just a bad, bad, bad situation. So after a few hours of torture, a more senior midwife comes in and takes a look, puts me through so more pain, and finally says, “If you’re willing to think about giving up breastfeeding, I think it’s a good idea for you to check into the hospital for a few days. If you don’t want to give up breastfeeding, we’ll send you home with some antibiotics.”
I had a good think about it and considering the recent problems I’ve been having, and that the root of the problem is most likely Sara and the fact that she uses my nipples as a pacifier and pulls on them, but more than anything was that I couldn’t handle the pain any longer, and if giving up breastfeeding was the answer, than I think it would probably be best for everyone. I was starting to find myself not exactly angry, but almost a little resentful of my daughter, and I didn’t that feeling to continue or progress. Plus, there is the chance that she’ll finally start sleeping through the night. Although giving up breastfeeding makes me really, really worried about gaining weight back. I lost so much, and I was actually hoping to lose two more kilos. I know at this point I don’t need to lose anymore, but those two kilos are important to me and I’m not sure I can do it without that little bit of extra help. Hell, I’m not sure I can maintain this weight without the extra help. But mostly I’ll miss that time with my baby. Our little connection that her father cannot understand or replace no matter how hard he tries. I’m afraid of losing that closeness with her, but I chose to be admitted. I wanted to breastfeed for at least a year, but I just can’t keep going through this. When weighing the pros and cons, it just makes more sense for me to give it up now.
They gave me a pill to reduce my fever, and called Akinori into the room. I had to go to the bathroom and he said he’d wait to take Sara home until I got back. I think it was about 5 or 6 at this point. I got up and felt kind of woozy, made it to the toilet, did my business, and started to feel incredibly, horribly sick. So I pressed the nurse call button in the toilet. I felt like such an ass, sitting on the toilet still and opening the door for the nurse to come in, but I was just in time because at that point my entire body started to feel all tingly and then I couldn’t move, anything. My mouth and tongue were all tingly too. My hands were frozen with my fingers all drawn together. I couldn’t move anything. It was so scary. Nothing like that has ever happened to me before. And it was really painful. It was like getting a full body charley horse. I guess when they say “she went into convulsions” this is what they are talking about. Very scary. They got a wheelchair and wheeled me back to bed and took my blood pressure, which was just a little low, so I guess they were no longer as worried, and just had me breathe deeply and slowly. So finally the convulsions passed, Akinori came back into the room, said goodbye, and they stuck an IV me in for a few hours while I finally got some sleep. I had been awake for a looooong time at that point.
So that was all for the really exciting part. I’m totally poked full of holes though. I think I had about 8 or 9 IVs while I was in the hospital for just that short time, and they took blood twice. I started feeling much better by late Saturday, except for my boobs which are totally and completed swollen and ballooned and needing to be drained of milk, but I’ve been told that draining them will only make the whole process more drawn out, so not to touch them. Just keep icing them, and taking antibiotics. I am so loaded up on antibiotics right now, I’m sure I’m impervious to a whole slew of diseases!
I’m still trying to figure out if I should teach my belly dance class tomorrow night. I obviously can’t do much dancing myself, but I can still watch my students move, and instruct, and I can honestly use the money, after that unexpected hospital bill. I guess I’ll wait and see how I feel tomorrow. Thank goodness it’s a national holiday and Akinori will be home because this house is a MESS! I was gone a weekend and all hell has broken loose, and my daughter cannot walk more than three steps on her own yet, so how the ENTIRE house got into such disarray I will never figure out. Although I shouldn’t be surprised. I saw what Akinori’s apartment looked like when he lived alone while we were still dating. Barely space enough for one person to walk from the front door to the toilet. (Sigh) makes me remember what my apartment looked like when I still lived alone. I miss the space! The emptiness! The lack of *things*!
Alright, I guess it’s time for me to try and get some sleep, though these huge, hard-as-rock, melons on my chest make it kind of difficult to get comfortable. Okay, even the cat is telling me it’s time for bed now as she sits in front of the living room door staring at me, waiting for me to go upstairs. Goodnight!