Monthly Archives: March 2010

Dark place

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That is where I am right now, and I need to get out because it feels awful in here! I think it’s a combination of the crappy, most-un-spring-like weather EVER! and all the work I have to do, and of course my shithead husband being an asshole to me today, and I’m afraid to say it…PMS (please please PLEASE! don’t be PMS! please be whacked out pregnancy hormones!!)

I don’t feel like blogging, but I really feel like I need to get some thoughts out or I might just burst. This isn’t going to make a lot of sense, mostly just babble so I can clear my head. You’ve been warned.

The amount of work I have to do is definitely weighing down hard on me. And what sucks is that it’s not even really interesting. Akinori has taken Sara out for a little while so I can get some done, which is why I feel kind of guilty about blogging instead. I think he just did that in attempt to be nice and apologize for his assholeness earlier. He wasn’t even being a true asshole. I was probably being more of an asshole. In fact, now that I think about it. He definitely wasn’t being an asshole. What gets me is how immature he is. That is what bothers me more than anything. And I start thinking about whether I can live with that aspect of him forever, and ever, and then I get depressed because I don’t want to live with that aspect, but I don’t want to live without him. How do you force someone to behave like an adult? I suppose you have to love everything about your partner, the good and the bad, and sometimes his immaturity is charming, but when we’re fighting I want to send him to his room without dinner, because I feel more like a mother arguing with her 10 year-old son.

It’s my fault too. I get bitchy, and when I get bitchy, he gets bitchy back. I want the right to get bitchy though! I don’t want to feel like I have to control all my bitchy urges because it’s going to lead to a fight. Why can’t I say something bitchy once in awhile and have him just ignore it? Why can’t he just assume it’s PMS or something else, completely unrelated to him, and just let it go?

I wish it was just Akinori bothering me because I know that will blow over. My trip to Osaka may have done more harm than good. I just miss it there. I miss all of my friends. I don’t hate life here, but I will never stop missing Osaka I don’t think, and compounded with the weather and fighting, it just seems all that more attractive right now.

Okay, guilt is starting to set in even further. I really need to get some work done if I ever want to dig myself out of this black hole. Sorry for depressing the masses. Just not in a good place today.

Quick catch up

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Been kind of busy the last few weeks. I can’t remember if I mentioned that I got the project that would send me to Osaka, and therefore went to Osaka with Sara last Friday, and was supposed to stay until Tuesday morning, but ended up staying until Wednesday afternoon. My trip to Osaka just brought on a whole slew of emotions in me that had sort of been dormant in the last several months.

To start, I arrived in Osaka, and left Sara with Fiona and Emi, who I really cannot thank enough for taking care of Sara. I don’t know what I would have done without her, though Sara’s crying and freaking out about being without her mommy in a new place with new people seems to have traumatized both Fiona and Emi. So, so, sorry. Everything would have been so much easier if I could have just taken her with me, but that would have been impossible. Oh well. No one died, so I guess it could have been worse.

I was glad to have my meeting behind me to enjoy the rest of the weekend, however, the friend we were supposed to stay with Friday and Saturday texted me at noon on Friday to say she was sick and we couldn’t stay with her. Hello!!! Couldn’t she have at least texted me the night before?! If it was just me, I really wouldn’t have been too concerned, but it was me and my 15 month old child. Really not cool. She did offer to get a hotel room for us and pay for it, but I didn’t feel right about that, so I told her we would work it out and not to worry.

I thought about calling Corinne who was unbelievably kind in offering to let Sara and me stay with her, but I had SO much stuff, there was no way I would be able to get Sara, myself and all our stuff to her place, and then the thought of having to get back on the train and do it all again to stay with the friends who had a room for us the last two nights made me want to cry, so I got a really super cheap hotel room very near to my friends’ place for Friday night, and I called every hotel in the city, but none had a room available for Saturday, so we crashed at a different friends’ place on Saturday night. We probably could have crashed there Friday as well, but I didn’t want to put them out too much since they have 2 kids and a tiny place. But it’s very good to have good friends. I was seriously feeling the love.

Sunday I went to my other friend’s place. She and her husband had been to Hokkaido and didn’t get back until late Saturday which is why we didn’t stay with them until Sunday. They have the most beautiful apartment! OH MY GOD! And it is in the most convenient place (although a little noisy for raising kids, which they are expecting their first in July) and I would just love to live there forever. If we ever get our house built and it looks 1/10th as nice, I will be happy. Although I can’t imagine that it will since we are poor and they are not. I really loved being in such a beautiful, relaxing atmosphere, but at the same time it sort of made me depressed about the reality of my life. I don’t want money to purchase nice material possessions. I would prefer to carry a 1000 yen handbag to something with some designer’s name splashed all over it. I don’t need fancy clothes (although having a GAP in Nagano would be the best thing to ever possibly happen to me). I’m just not into fancy cars and clothes and crap like that. But I want a nice house and nice place to live. That would make me happy. And I want to be able to travel. I don’t mind staying in $10/night accommodations, I just want to see other places.

Having friends who are rich, and can afford whatever they want, is kind of depressing. I know money isn’t everything. I know we will never be rich, and I’m happy with that. But seeing how those who “have” live, is just a little depressing. Knowing that my fantasy is their reality just kind of depressed me. Enough said about that.

Monday we went to my former office. That was more emotional for me than I ever imagined it would be. I had plans to have lunch with some former co-workers before going to the office to say hello. I could see a few of them crossing the street as I was approaching from the station and all of a sudden I got all teary-eyed. Then I walked into the restaurant where we were meeting and 8 of them were standing around the table waiting for us, and I just burst out crying. I really missed them, a lot more than I even realized. It was so good to see them all, and to see that nothing had really changed.

When we did get to the office it was just craziness with everyone fawning all over Sara and the excitement of seeing everyone. It really felt like coming home again. Then I got some really awful news that kind of put me over the edge for the day and the remainder of my trip. One of the managers, a woman around 40, definitely not much older, had passed away about a month prior to my visit. I kind of lost it a little. She was a friend and she was kind and fantastic at her job. She encouraged me at a time when I felt completely worthless, and was always full of praise. She was fun and funny and someone you could always, always, without fail, count on. I still can’t believe she’s gone.

A little while ago when I wrote about my JET friend and my 1st boyfriend’s mother dying, I was actually thinking, there’s got to be a 3rd, death always comes in 3’s. I was hoping I was wrong, but unfortunately I wasn’t. This woman passed away on the same day as my ex-boyfriend’s mom actually. The world is definitely a lonelier, darker, sadder place without you Toda-san. I pray that you are no longer in pain and resting peacefully, looking down at all of us who you protected on earth, and doing the same from heaven.

Apparently Toda-san’s family didn’t inform the office of her funeral arrangements, and the office took it upon themselves to have a ceremony for her, which was scheduled for Tuesday night, which is why I changed my plans to come back to Nagano on Wednesday instead. I’m glad I stayed even though Sara prevented me from really participating very much. Not much you can do about that, but at least I was there and I got to say goodbye.

So besides being exhausted from the trip, and from working on this project, which is depriving me of sleep in a major way, the unexpected turn of events while I was in Osaka, has just kind of drained me of much blogging motivation. I’m having a lot of trouble shaking the sadness. I’m hoping that getting it all out here will be therapeutic for me, I mean afterall, that’s what this blog was intended for, right?

Big old bloggy purge!

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So I had originally planned on writing a post last Sunday about what a saint my husband is because he took Sara out on an errand he had for 3 whole hours in the afternoon leaving me alone at home to do as I pleased. His errand was actually a meeting of sorts with one of his Yahoo Auction “friends” (Grr), but he knew I wouldn’t be pleased about him taking a precious few hours of the weekend out to go off and do something I not only didn’t necessarily approve of, but to also leave me with our daughter who I look after 24/7 6 days a week would have probably pushed me over the edge, so right from the start he offered to take Sara with him. All of a sudden I was thrilled to see him go off on a Sunday afternoon.

I didn’t have any mad parties, but I did vacuum all the rooms, finally put away 3 baskets full or laundry, washed the kitchen floor, baked brownies, watched a little CSI and some other random stuff that I can’t normally do with Sara around. Akinori met his friend at this awesome 50’s style hamburger joint near the interchange and actually came home with an avocado/gorgonzola burger and fries for me. This put him in my good books for awhile, but by the time I had finished all that cleaning and whatnot I was too tired to blog Sunday, and the rest of the week was actually super busy.

Monday I taught two belly dance classes. The one I taught in the morning was the “Mommy and me” class I teach once a month, where the leader lady is pretty much taking advantage of me, and the leader lady wasn’t even there this time! Two new ladies to the class were there though, and I’m sure they were surprised when they showed up expecting an English conversation class and getting a belly dance lesson instead. That class is a total joke, but they pay me so I’m not going to complain.

The Monday night lesson was at the dance studio. I really like the students in that class, but the owners can bite me! They pulled me aside afterward and said they had a meeting with their accountant and he said that paying me 40% of the lesson fee was too much, and would I accept 30%? I’d like to meet that bastard accountant! I really don’t know where they even find the nerve within themselves to ask me if I will work for such a pittance. It is truly an insult. They said that if there were lots of students, paying me 40% wouldn’t be so difficult for them, and I told them that if there were lots of students I wouldn’t need 40%, 30% would suffice, but until there are at least 10 students, I can’t accept anything less than 40%. They said they’d like to have 20 students between the 2 classes I teach. That’s just dandy. Let me know when they sign up. Too tired after all that to blog on Monday.

Tuesday our little playgroup went out to lunch at this awesome place. It was a karaoke box (is that what they’re called in English?), now turned into a restaurant. Each individual room still has the karaoke machine, but they also have slides and toys and stuff for little kids to play on and keep themselves occupied with while the adults eat their meals, and they also have a great kids menu – perfect portions, yummy food. It was great! Don’t have to worry about disturbing other customers. Don’t have to worry about keeping your kid occupied while you try to eat. What a fabulous idea! The weather was absolute crap though all day and all night.

That night I taught another belly dance class. One of my students, an American girl on the JET program told me that she was actually interested in teaching the dance studio’s son English in exchange for ballroom dance lessons, so after our lesson I took her over to the studio to meet the weirdo couple and their son. I told the weirdo couple the night before about my student and they asked me to bring her by, which is why I did, and then the father tells us that they actually found a teacher for the son a few weeks ago, and the son is happy with that teacher. WTF?! Why didn’t he tell me that the night before?! The wife actually got really angry and told him that he was totally rude for not telling me sooner and for wasting all of our time. So then after 40 minutes of his endless, nonsensical, blah blah blah he finally says that he would like my student to teach HIM English, and he’ll teach her dance in exchange. Why the fuck couldn’t he just tell me that the night before? And why couldn’t he spit that out the first 10 minutes we were sitting there instead of taking an hour of our time to finally get to the point? I swear he is a senile bastard. Anyway, that whole exchange left me way too tired to blog Tuesday night.

Wednesday I had another belly dance class at the studio. Instead of putting Sara in daycare though, my SIL offered to take her for the afternoon. Sweet! She even picked her up and dropped her off AND fed her lunch. Seriously the best daycare service ever! And free! The senile old bastard at the dance studio managed to piss me off yet again though. I asked him if there was somewhere I could park my car during the Wednesday lesson since paying for daycare and parking was leaving me way in the red for the Wednesday classes. He told me to park in front of his car. I get to the studio at 12:40 for the 1:00 lesson. His car isn’t there yet. If I park first, he’ll have to park behind me blocking me in, so I drive around the block TWICE. Still not there and it’s 12:50. I give up and use the paid parking lot next door. Studio is locked of course because the senile bastard has yet to arrive. He finally walks in at 1:00 exactly. He has a phone and he has my number. Why in the hell didn’t he call me to tell me he’d be late? At least the lesson went well.

SIL brought Sara back around 4 and she and her 2 kids hung around for an or so, which was really fun since I hadn’t seen them in ages. I threw dinner together in about half an hour that night and was thinking about how that was proof that my domestic skills have drastically improved recently and was going to blog about that on Wednesday night. So I get on the computer and remember that I have to take care of some banking. So I log onto our savings account (it’s our savings account now, but it was MY savings account before we were married, there is still only 1 ATM card, and it sits in my wallet). I’m looking at the balance and something is terribly wrong. There is no way there should be such a small amount in the account. I look at all the transactions, and a few weeks earlier 500,000 yen was withdrawn. I start freaking out because I know I didn’t take that money out. I call Akinori into the room all in a panic because someone has stolen 500,000 yen from our account and I can’t figure out how and with this much time passed how will we ever find who did it and we have to call the police and and and, Akinori takes my hands and starts to kneel. This is not a good sign at all.

He gives me this whole sob story about how someone he sold something to 2 years ago has come back claiming that the item was fake and he wanted his money back. Akinori promised him that it was original and that if he didn’t believe him, he would buy it back from him at any time. So the guy had been having a fit about it and it looked like he was getting ready to take some drastic measures and Akinori knew I wouldn’t lend him the money so one morning before work he took the ATM card out of my wallet and withdrew the money from the 7-11 down the street and came back and put the card back in my wallet, and has just been praying ever since that I wouldn’t check the account until he was able to put the money back in, which will supposedly be this Monday. We’ll see about that. Remember the 470,000 yen from January? Yeah well I just FINALLY got that back Tuesday, and the sneaky bastard said “give me the ATM card, I’ll put it in the bank since I have to go anyway and pull the money out of my account” so that I wouldn’t see the balance for myself. I asked him for the statement receipt when he got back because he ALWAYS comes back with one, and of course this time he conveniently forgot. It all started to make sense. Needless to say Akinori is out of the good books and into the you’ll-be-lucky-if-you-come-home-tomorrow-and-the-locks-aren’t-changed books. I was devastated, and cried through all of his excuses and explanations. I can’t believe he would steal from our account! He keeps correcting me and telling me that he borrowed the money, not stole it. But until I get that money back, it was stolen. Bastard’s lucky I don’t call the cops on him! Too exhausted from that whole experience to blog Wednesday night.

Thursday was awesome! It was the one day this week I didn’t have a belly dance class to teach, and though I love belly dance, too much of a good thing can get a little tiring. My friend H came up from Matsumoto and although we’ve hung out many, many times, it’s always been in a group of people, and I always thought, “You know I would really like to just hang out with H one-on-one. I think we would have a good time together and LOTS to talk about.” And of course I was right. LOTS to talk about, GREAT time! We started out at our house, which was good because when we went out for lunch Sara gave us both a great workout by making us chase her all over the restaurant. Not conducive to great, continuous conversation, but we managed.

After we took H to the bus stop Sara and I went shopping for some household stuff and then I had this fantastic idea. I would take Sara to a pet shop so she could see the dogs, since she seems to like them so much. I’m not sure what came over me or why I thought this was a fantastic idea, but we went to one of the few pet shops I know of around here. It is probably the stinkiest too, and the smell was stuck in my hair and clothes well after we got home. Ugh. But Sara seemed to enjoy looking at the dogs and cats and properly “wan wan” ed at the dogs and “nyah” ed at the cats. I was very proud of her for being able to make the distinction. She definitely did not want to leave though, which is when I realized my fantastic idea was really a disaster waiting to happen. Luckily my daughter only nuts out for a minute or two before becoming distracted by something else. When we got home I once again threw dinner together in 3o minutes. Getting good at that! Not in the mood to blog though as I had to think about what I was going to do for the belly dance lesson I had today.

This morning I taught a one-off lesson sponsored by the city as “refreshment time for moms”. The jidokan we go to offers these courses for moms once in awhile, along with babysitting services while the moms are “refreshing” themselves for an hour. They asked me awhile back if I would be interested in teaching one someday, and I said sure. So we set a date and it was this morning. I thought I had told them 10 people would be the ideal maximum, but somehow that turned into 20 and they were still turning people away.

It was a GREAT class though! Didn’t get much done, but all the ladies seemed to really enjoy themselves, and they were all gung-ho about coming to one of my other classes and at the end the jidokan staff member asked if they would be interested in another belly dance “refreshment” class and they all raised their hands. Very satisfying! And they paid me 5000 yen! That’s way more than the tight-ass couple at the dance studio pay me for an 80-minute class! And they validated my parking for 5 hours!! And I got free babysitting for an hour!!! That was definitely an excellent deal!

At the very end, when only a handful of the ladies were left, two of them asked if I ever performed anywhere as they would like to see what a full on choreography looked like, so I put the music back on and did a short choreography for them. One of the other remaining ladies started crying because she said she was so moved. I thought that was a little overboard, but I was still flattered. The woman and I were actually in the same maternity yoga class when I first moved to Nagano and she seemed a little emotionally unbalanced then too. But maybe I can use her reaction in my promotional flyers and stuff, “Brenda has been known to move people to tears with her beautiful performances.” Sounds good, eh?

There were lots of familiar faces there though, so hopefully today’s class will have served as an icebreaker for the next time I see the same moms at the jidokan, and they will come up and chat with me and maybe I can make some lovely new friends!

After the jidokan I took Sara for her measles and mumps vaccination. Lots of fun that was. She started to get whiny when I was pulling off her sweater and shirt in the inner waiting room and the full on waterworks started as soon as we sat down in front of the doctor. The crying lasted until we walked out the door. It was a gorgeous day though so I decided that it would be a waste to just go to the grocery store and go back home so in another stroke of genius I decided we should visit the free zoo that’s kind of behind our house.

That was fun. We were there for the sea lions feeding time, but unfortunately Sara was more interested in collecting rocks. It was a good way to enjoy the nice weather though, and certainly more fun than grocery shopping! Sara “wan wan” ed at the sea lions and miniature horse, and “nyah”ed at the monkeys, so yeah, I think she’s got all of the appropriate animal sounds worked out.

I was exhausted after everything today too, but I figured if I didn’t start getting some of this out here. words were going to start pouring out of my ears as I have rewritten this blog so many times in my head this week!

One more piece of news. My Osaka trip has been confirmed for next weekend! Yeah! Unfortunately the friend I was hoping to stay with is going to be out of town the 1st two nights I’m going to be there, but I’m sure I can find somewhere else without a problem. I can always stay in my old apartment with my crazy friends who live there now, but their living arrangement really tends to be quite crazy and I don’t know if I want to subject my 15-month old daughter to that just yet. I stayed there last year when Sara was 3 months old and totally regretted it, and ended up getting really sick and going home sooner than planned.

I am really looking forward to visiting Osaka though. Not so looking forward to the 4 hour train ride with Sara, but I’m sure we’ll manage somehow. Not so looking forward to the project that I am going to Osaka for in the first place either. I had a glimpse at it yesterday and it is really super convoluted. Hopefully this meeting will shed some light on the process, and of course the money I will earn is always welcome.

Alrighty, well now that I’ve gotten everything there could possibly be clinging to me off my chest, it is time for bed! Night all!

So long yesterday!

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I decided I couldn’t post yesterday because there was no way I would have been able to keep up the whole new positive me image. It was just not a great day. I had trouble sleeping the night before because I was anxious about whether or not my period would come, and taking Sara to hoikuen. My sleep wasn’t aided at all by little knees and feet in my stomach and back all night, or sudden hair pulling every now and again. It is definitely time to move Sara to her crib. Sleeping in bed with us is just getting way too uncomfortable.

So my period did come. Enough said about that. At least now I know when I see those faint lines that I REALLY shouldn’t get my hopes up and once and for all, I SHOULD NOT DO AN HPT UNTIL AF IS AT LEAST A WEEK LATE!!! When is this going to sink in for me? I feel so thick! Waiting is just so damn hard! It’s also hard not to freak out about whether or not I can actually get pregnant again. But we shall persevere. As I’ve said before, at least it’s a pleasant process 🙂

Then the whole Sara and hoikuen business. I dropped her off and she was fine. I knew she would be. She’s not the type to freak out right away. It takes her a little while. She’s super curious, so I had a feeling that it would happen exactly like the teacher said it did. She wandered around for awhile checking stuff out and taking it all in, and then it hit her that I wasn’t around, and there was no mollifying her. She cried and cried until she cried herself to sleep, which is what she was still doing when I got there. Poor bunny.

The time we were apart wasn’t all that wonderful for me either. I just gave Sara a little wave goodbye and told her I would be back later. Then got in the car and had a wee cry and off to the belly dance lesson, which was not all that much fun. It was one of those lessons, where the students don’t get it, and somehow I feel like they are blaming me for not being able to do it. This lesson is 2 older, as in 10 or so years older than me, ladies, and one of them kept saying, she would buy a hip scarf when she got better, and she would wear something that showed her stomach once she got better. Woman – if I tell you, you need a hip scarf, you NEED a hip scarf. If I tell you you need to show me your stomach, you NEED to show me your stomach. I cannot help you if I can’t see how your body is or is not moving. With a baggy T-shirt and baggy sweatpants I have no idea if the way you are moving is even close to what you should be doing, and frankly neither do you since you can’t see yourself in the mirror anymore than I can.

This is why I hate teaching English. It doesn’t happen through osmosis, or just because you WANT to speak English. You have to practice and study and work at it, and at the very least, if you don’t listen to your teacher’s advice, it’s never going to happen. Okay, well I probably just blew up all the brain cells my positive thoughts over the past few days had nurtured, but I feel like I needed that little rant.

After the lesson I went for Mosburger and actually sat inside the restaurant and ate lunch by myself. It was nice to have a few moments to myself, but nearly as nice as I had previously imagined, and I felt too guilty to really enjoy it. I went to pick up Sara just before 4, took her home, and we both got some really good cuddles in. It didn’t take long before Sara was back to her usual self though, perfectly happy to play on her own.

But in the end, I think the events of the day did take some toll on her because she had a super-sized-all-out-nut-out tantrum around 9 because I wouldn’t let her play with the salt and pepper shakers while I was trying to eat my dinner. I can’t wait until she understands what “This is not a toy” really means. Akinori was kind enough to scarf down what he was eating, and take Sara in the other room, and shove a bottle in her mouth so I could have a few minutes of true peace and quiet. (Your husband looking after your child and a complete stranger looking after your child are two completely different things!) By the time I finished washing the dishes and went back into the living room Sara was knocked out. Poor poor bunny.

I was pretty knocked out from my day too and we were all in bed before midnight, which is literally unheard of in our house. I did manage to write my appreciation diary before going to sleep though. I thought about doing it in the morning, but then I thought better of it. If ever there was a day I needed to go to sleep thinking positive thoughts, it was yesterday.

More positive = more smart…I mean smarter

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At least according to the Japanese TV show エチカの鏡 it does. I guess that would translate as something like “The Mirror of Ethics”. Kind of relates to the show, but mostly it’s about how to make your children, or like this past week, yourself, smarter. Who knows if all of the advice they give is correct or not, but Akinori is totally addicted to the show ever since they had that Kayoko Baachan on it. She’s this little old lady married to a neuroscientist/surgeon and she has this whole philosophy on how to raise children to be geniuses based on her husband’s research.

Anyway, this past week was about how adults can make themselves more intelligent. I wasn’t paying attention to the whole show (as I was more engrossed in playing Solitaire on my iPod Touch) but Akinori records it every week, so I figured I could just watch it later. I did catch a few things that I found interesting. There are 10 things you can do every day to make yourself smarter, like hang up the laundry with only the opposite hand you normally use, so if you’re right-handed you would only use your left hand to hang the laundry. Another thing was to write out a schedule of everything you plan on doing that day, like 8am wake up, 8:10 – 8:15 make breakfast, etc. I’ve already decided I am going to forfeit any IQ points I might gain from doing that. Just not going to happen. Pre-baby…maybe, but definitely not now.

The last point of the 10 that I remember is to write an appreciation diary at the end of every day. You write down all the good things that happened that day and whatever you are grateful for. Kind of like how some bloggers do the “Things I love Thursday” thing, but you do it every night before you go to bed. I didn’t pay attention to what the benefits of doing this are, but even without being told why, this just seems like a good idea. For one thing, you can’t help but go to bed full of positive thoughts and remembering the good things about the day. That can’t be bad just before you recharge for the night, can it? So I started doing this last night, and I have no idea if that affected my day or not, but I was in a pretty good mood all day, approaching downright giddy by the time I went to my belly dance lesson tonight.

I don’t know if this program can actually change your life or not, but if definitely made me rethink any complaining I do. The brain specialist on the program said that we think we are relieving stress by complaining and voicing negative thoughts, but we’re really doing ourselves more harm than good. I have my doubts about how true this is, because I certainly love a good bitch session, but I figure that no harm can come from giving this “no complaining, be more positive and appreciative” frame of mind a try, so we’ll see how it goes.

In following with my new zen attitude about life, I was doing a little researching online and found this article today. I bookmarked it so that I can look back at it often. Every point in it makes so much sense, and especially since I am someone who tends to dwell way too much on what others think of me, it really struck a chord with me.

Thanks for all of the comments on my last post. My ex actually wrote me back this morning and told me that my mail was able to bring a smile to his face. Well that certainly wiped away any apprehension I had about what I had written (along with everyone’s very kind comments)! It still makes me sad to think about his mother, but apparently it was really, really fast. They only found the cancer in October, and she had surgery in December and things started going downhill from there. As far as battles with cancer go, hers was short and relatively painless, and she went surrounded by family and friends and lots of love. What more could you ask for out of life?

I felt like I didn’t have anything to blog about for days, and now I’m overflowing with stuff I want to write about. I started a new belly dance class on Monday nights at the dance studio this week. After the class the owner asked me if I could do a class on Wednesday afternoons too. There are only 2 students at the moment. At first I was really not too pleased about doing this class. It means I have to put Sara in daycare for the afternoon on Wednesdays. I have never left her in the care of anyone but family so far, so this is a really big step for us, well…for me. It almost made me cry right then and there just thinking about leaving Sara at the daycare. The money I will get for this Wednesday class will only just cover the cost of daycare, so I thought about refusing to do it, but then I thought about it again.

Akinori has been telling me since Sara was about 5 or 6 months old that if I was really stressed out by how much attention she demands, that we should consider putting her in daycare once or twice a week. Of course I feel stress looking after my daughter 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. But I love my daughter more than life, so although it’s frustrating to not have my own time, I don’t necessarily mind it all that much. I actually find being a full-time mom quite rewarding. But I digress. I thought about what having Sara in daycare would mean, in that she would be there for 4 hours, and the lesson is only 1 hour and 20 minutes. That’s 2.5 hours to do whatever I want! I almost never have 2.5 hours to myself, especially not during the day, and definitely not on a weekday. So I decided that even if there are no financial benefits to doing this Wednesday lesson, there are definitely some psychological benefits, for me anyway. My daughter may be scarred for life after tomorrow, but for now I have decided this is a good thing, and I am looking forward to 4:30 tomorrow when I pick Sara up, and that feeling of having missed her and being really happy to see her, and hopefully, her me. The amount of stuff I have to prepare for her thought is ridiculous! She’s going for 4 hours, not a week long camping trip! (Sorry I forgot I was not complaining and trying to be more positive for a moment there. )

And finally, my period is due tomorrow. I think it was actually due earlier, but I am really, really super trying to not get my hopes up, so we will assume Fertility Friend is correct, and it’s due tomorrow. Although Akinori has been after me to do an HPT since last week, I have been good and patient and didn’t give in until this evening. (So maybe not all THAT patient, but damn good for me!) I got a very, very, very faint line after 4 or 5 minutes, but the prescribed time is 1 minute, and you are supposed to discard any results achieved after that. So, I am doing my best at taking the result of the test at face value, but still hoping that I don’t get my period tomorrow or the day after, or the day after that, and that I will get a darker line in a few days (if not tomorrow because let’s face it, who am I kidding? I just don’t have any patience when it comes to finding out if I’m pregnant or not. Not a lick.)

Okay, I don’t think I have left out even one detail of my life at the moment, which means I have a pretty boring life, huh. But that’s okay. I’m happy. Goodnight and sweet dreams bloggy world!