And when she was good, she was very, very good
And when she tired, she was fucking unbearable!
I know those aren’t the original words to the nursery rhyme, but those are the words that have been going through my head for the last 2 days. And just after I had gone on and on about what a good girl she was being lately in a recent post. When Sara first wakes up in the morning (provided she’s had a decent amount of sleep) or when she wakes up from a nap, she is the most pleasant, most smiley, most fun and funny child to be around. I really do love being around her and playing with her, and watching her make all her funny faces and giving “Baby-tan” (really Popo-chan, but Sara has named her Baby-tan, so who am I to correct?) her bottle and taking “wan-wan” (one of her many stuffed dogs) for a walk. But god forbid she’s tired and/or doesn’t get her way. Good lord, just kill me now!
I suppose these types of tantrums are natural for a child her age, but how on earth do parents get past this stage with their sanity intact? The funny thing is, she has never been a big cryer. Even when she was first born in the hospital, she never cried unless she was hungry. In fact, her lack of crying worried me at first she cried so little, and when she did cry she always got over it quickly. Even now, for the most part, unless she’s tired she rarely whines or cries, even when she falls or hurts herself. She could be bleeding out her ears and there are hardly any tears. Of course there are at first, if she’s really in serious pain, but even then she’s over it in a matter of minutes.
So maybe I should be considering myself incredibly lucky that until now I never really had to deal with lots of tears. Though anyone who knows my daughter, knows that we’ve had other issues, like with super-human amounts of energy that are impossible to contain, and wear the fuck out of me, but at least she was happy and laughing and entertaining others. Maybe it’s been the lack of crying so far that has left me unprepared for the tantrums that we’re now experiencing.
Up until now she has pretty much let me know when she’s tired and ready for a nap. She’ll lay down next to me, or ask to be held, or once in a blue moon she’ll lay down on her own and fall asleep. Lately it’s been getting harder and harder to get her down for a nap too. Arrrgh!
Just a little venting of parenting frustrations, and I know it’s only going to get worse when there are more of them to care for, but seriously sometimes I feel like I am being tested by the powers that be as to how much I can take before snapping. I’m afraid this does not bode well for when there are more children in the picture, does it?
Seriously though, how do you do it without harming your child or yourself? I don’t mean physically necessarily, because I really don’t think I would ever be violent towards my child (though sometimes I do have daydreams – is this a bad sign too?) But once in a while when I get really frustrated with whining and crying and tantrums for no apparent reason and I raise my voice and yell for her to be quiet, I feel so guilty directly afterward. She’s still just a wee thing, and she depends on me for absolutely everything, and if something is upsetting her, she is obviously depending on me to make it better and then I go and yell at her, and I feel so awful because the one person that she totally and completely trusts has just gone and left her feeling all alone in the world. I suppose I could be over analyzing just a tad, and probably projecting a lot of how my mother made me feel when she yelled and screamed (which she did a lot of, and that is the #1 reason I don’t want to yell and scream at my daughter) on to Sara, and also how I feel when Akinori and I argue because I always feel like I’ve been deserted by the one person I trust in the world when we have a fight. Before I was even pregnant with Sara, my worst fear about having children was that I would turn into my mother, and up until now, there was really nothing to test that. No real reason to lose it and go ballistic and gnash my teeth at my children or scream at them in incredibly public places and make huge scenes. Are we all doomed to fuck our children up for life? I know so many people who have issues with their moms, but I also know lots of people who have really great relationships with their moms. I want my relationship with my children to be great, forever and ever. I am a good mom…I am a good mom…