I have a shitload on my mind right now that I wanted to blog about, and this was not it. Just went to the bathroom and found more dried brown blood. I don’t think anything is wrong, but again, it’s the NOT knowing that kills me. I think I need to stop attending the maternity yoga class I go to on Fridays as it is really physically straining. Definitely more straining than my belly dance classes, especially since I can choose how much strain I put on myself when I’m the teacher. Technically I can do that in my yoga class as the paying student, but I always end up pushing myself. I’m probably doing myself much more harm than good. I guess if I can’t control myself in class, I just need to stop going to class. Jeezus I am pathetic! Why can I not control myself to the point where I can still do yoga but at a healthy level?
I know when I call the midwife and tell her about this tomorrow, she is going to blame belly dancing, and I really don’t think that is the culprit at all. I was so careful this week to take it easy! And more than anything we cannot afford for me to stop teaching right now. Financially we are fucked at the moment. F.U.C.K.E.D. FUCKED! Basically me teaching belly dancing is how I am keeping food on the table at the moment. Food on the table, and all of the bills unpaid. I hope we still have a roof over our heads at this time next month. In some ways it is fabulous and wonderful that Akinori works for the family business and in others it sucks! And not getting paid at the same time of the month every month, and not knowing the next time you will get paid some months SUCKS! I hate worrying about money period, but this kind of worry is not what I signed on for! Akinori is talking about taking on part-time work late at night, but to me that doesn’t sound like a real solution and it is bound to create more problems than it will solve I think. On top of everything he had a huge fight with his dad today and left work early because he was pissed off and said he’s not going back tomorrow and had started to say that he didn’t know when he was going back, until I burst into tears and told him he had better be going back on Monday and apologizing and coming home with some kind of cash. It doesn’t even have to be the full paycheck. Just enough to pay some bloody bills! He sold his motorcycle a few months ago and is STILL waiting for the bastard to pay him. That’s a good few thousand dollars we could use right there. AGGGGHHHHH!!! Not a good day today. Not at all!
Update: Called the midwife, got a tongue lashing for going to maternity yoga. Yes, I am a moron. Guess I won’t be doing that anymore, but at least I am not stuck on the sofa forever and ever now, and I don’t have to go to the dr. unless there is more serious bleeding. This may just be something I have to deal with for the rest of my pregnancy she said. One thing off my mind, but not finding myself in any better of a mood. Still unhappy and worried about money. I was hoping to wake up someone else this morning, but that didn’t happen. I know I have a lot to be thankful for, but I am finding it very hard to appreciate any of it at the moment. I’m a moron and a selfish bitch.
Sorry it’s taken so long to update. Monday morning Akinori came with me to the hospital just in case something really was wrong and I had to be admitted. Luckily absolutely nothing is wrong. To be considered as being in preterm labor the cervix has to thin to less than 2 cm, or somewhere around there. Looking at the screen while the doctor did the exam, there was still about 5 cm of cervix. Nowhere NEAR preterm delivery! Hooray!! Then they put me on the NST monitor because I said my stomach felt tight like I had a sore muscle in my lower abdomen. No contractions. The doctor said that after doing so much dancing, it just might be that I do in fact have sore muscles. See! I know my body! Just a reminder that I know my body best and I shouldn’t doubt myself. But that also means that when I think I probably shouldn’t push myself, I shouldn’t push myself. I find that part hardest to remember.
In other news, we (read: I) have started putting Sara to sleep in her own bed in her own room! Yeah! Akinori once again suggested putting her bed in our room and I flipped out on him and basically told him that I would take on the responsibility of getting her to sleep in her room and stay there. I just don’t want to hear anymore brilliant suggestions from him anymore. Monday night Sara was way past tired and screaming and crying that she wanted to watch her goddamn Elmo DVD, that we must have watched at least 50 times over the weekend, and I had Akinori carry her upstairs and I laid down with her, read her an Elmo book instead, and she was asleep 10 minutes later. She woke up crying once between 12:30 and 1 a.m. and I went in and laid down with her, and then she woke up again at around 4 a.m. and I just brought her in bed with us. It was the same thing last night. She woke up around 1 a.m. and I laid down with her and brought her into bed with us when she woke up at 4:40.
I’m not sure that the bringing her into bed with us part of us is the best idea, but at least I am getting a few good hours of uninterrupted, unkicked, peaceful sleep, not at the very edge of the bed. I’m hoping that it works out like it did with daycare. Sara cried her little eyes out when I dropped her off the first week or so, but now she loves it. I’m hoping that although she’s a little lonely in her own room right now, she’ll get used to it and learn to sleep through the night again. We’ll see I guess. For now, I’m happy with the way things are going.
I’m thinking that once the baby is born, it might actually be a good idea to put the baby in Sara’s room with her as soon as possible so that Sara can be the “big sister” and won’t feel so lonely, and won’t feel betrayed by us that we allow the baby to sleep with us, but not her. I know there are all kinds of benefits to co-sleeping though, that I am afraid we’ll be depriving the baby of so I think I’m going to have to do more research into this, and hell, who am I kidding, like everything else, wing it. We are so not about schedules and prescribed ways of doing things. Maybe our children will suffer because of it, maybe not, but it’s a pretty hard thing to change about yourself, especially when both you and your partner are anything but disciplined when it comes to following schedules and that kind of thing.
So that’s where we are right now. And I am off to take a shower, maybe treat myself to a little lunch out alone somewhere and then head to the midwife clinic for a date with Keri. We have re-nicknamed Juniorette. We’re pretty set on a name for her already. Akinori is already working on the kanji and everything, and it is not Keri, but because she kicks so much and so hard and ‘to kick’ in Japanese is ‘keru’, we have re-nicknamed her Keri. Sara was a big hiccupper, but she didn’t push and kick nearly as much or as hard. I’m a little worried that this little girl is going to come out even more energetic than her big sister, which just may kill me or turn me off of having any more children ever, but maybe all this moving inside means she will be just the opposite and relaxed and calm when she comes out. One can dream, right?
For those of you I am friends with on Facebook, many of you have seen my status update and have been kind enough to comment. I thought I should give a little update regarding what exactly is going on.
I went to Nagoya last weekend for a ladies’ night out and had an awesome time! Akinori was unbelievably understanding and supportive of me going away for the night. Sara woke up with a fever Saturday morning so I told him I just wouldn’t go, but he said there was no point in me staying home and that he could handle it. So grateful! And I had an awesome time in Nagoya, but did quite a bit of walking around and standing. Then staying up late and chatting, which was fun, but probably not the wisest decision I’ve ever made.
Got home Sunday evening to a very sick Sara. Her temperature was 40.1 at one point, and it was very scary. Stayed up most of the night with her. Then taught a belly dance class every day between Monday and Thursday. I think I overdid it on Monday night, as even the evil owner of the dance studio I work at was telling me to slow down and take a rest. At my Tuesday night lesson I was feeling some lower abdominal pain, but I thought it was just muscle pain from the night before. Wednesday I took it easier at my lesson, but still pain, and Thursday was the same.
Friday I went to maternity yoga. I kind of thought I shouldn’t have, but I did. It was a fairly intense work out. Even the other pregnant ladies were saying how they thought they were going to give birth then and there in the changing room afterwards. I wanted to get some shopping done before I had to pick up Sara from daycare, so I did that, picked up Sara, went shopping for dinner stuff, finally got home with all of my packages and a SCREAMING Sara. Got her settled with some cereal when I finally got a chance to pee.
Here comes the TMI part for those who want to skip over to the end. There was a good amount of dried brown blood in my underwear when I went to the bathroom. I never had any bleeding with Sara or this pregnancy until now. Not even implantation bleeding. Nothing. So I was a bit freaked out and called the midwife. She asked if I was having any pains, and I told her about what I thought was a pulled muscle, and I thought she was going to beat me over the head with a stick through the phone wires when I told her I was still teaching belly dance.
Anyway she told me to lay down and not to move a muscle unless it was to go to the bathroom until the morning when I should go to the hospital, if they were open. So I checked their website online and of course they are not open today for regular exams. So I called the hospital last night to ask what I should do, and they said not to move a muscle until Monday morning when I should come in for an exam. But if there is any pain or anymore blood I should come in anyway for an emergency exam.
So there was a bit more blood just a little while ago, but a really little bit. No major pain and the baby is still moving around like mad, so I’m guessing she’s okay. I called the midwife again though this morning to let her know the hospital wasn’t open today, and what they told me, and then again this afternoon after I saw the blood. Hopefully there won’t be anymore blood, but she said if there is in any significant amount then I really do need to go the hospital. But no pain, and baby movements are a good sign that the situation is not getting any worse, so hopefully we’ll be able to hold out until Monday. Fingers crossed! I’m only 28 weeks and 1 day. I really do not want this baby to be born yet. As much as I can’t wait to meet her and hold her in my arms, I can wait at least another 6 weeks or so.
So that is what’s going on. Please keep your fingers crossed and send some good vibes this direction. As calming and reassuring as the midwife and the nurse or midwife I spoke to at the hospital have been, I can’t totally relax until I see the doctor, which I’m sure is not helping the situation. I’m trying though. Anyway, think good thoughts for us!