Yesterday was the anniversary of the Tohoku disaster, and it was very, very emotional. More so than I thought it would be, and I’m a little worried it has set me back into a state of survivor’s guilt/PTSD whatever where I can’t stop crying, just like last March/April. At least I’m not breastfeeding anymore and my milk supply won’t be affected. And by the way, that’s all done and over with, thank goodness. Amelie is off the boob, Akinori and I are still married, somewhat happily even. Amelie has started eating more than Sara, though she is still on the smaller side. All in all a great success! I think yesterday’s overwhelming sadness had a huge affect on my mood today. Lots of tears yesterday kind of carried over to today.
We had to be up really early today for Amelie’s regular check-up for her arm, and we all overslept. I was counting on Akinori’s alarm to wake me up too, which was stupid, especially since he fell asleep in front of the TV and wouldn’t come upstairs when I tried to wake him, saying he’d be up soon, and ended up sleeping in the living room. I hate that. Anyway, he woke up and decided he wasn’t going to wake me up until he had breakfast sorted. I appreciate the thought, but I would have appreciated the extra time to get ready even more. So we ran around trying to get the kids fed and dressed like mad chickens and rushed out the door. Dropped Sara at a friend’s house whose son goes to the same kindy, and we were off to Matsumoto, which is an hour’s drive on the highway.
Then Akinori notices the gas light go on. So now we have to stop for gas first AND the snow came down in droves today. Pure white absolutely everywhere! Beautiful, but I fucking hate snow, and I hate it even more when my husband drives like a maniac in it. That probably didn’t have a very positive effect on my mood either. And we were running about 30 minutes late, and I hate being late. I tend to be late ALL the time, and I’m not ashamed to say, it’s my husband’s fault more often than not. When we got to the hospital though I looked at the check-in sheet I got upon arrival and discovered we were actually 5 minutes early. Smart wife that I am, I marked the appointment on the calendar 30 minutes earlier than the actual appointment time. Go me! So I suppose not everything today sucked. That and we got to meet up with Heather. Thanks Heather for coming into the city hours before you needed to and probably then being late for your hair appointment. It was great to see you though!
So we met with the geneticist first. Amelie is on target or ahead, even way ahead of her age for almost everything except speech. She really is not talking. Like not even “mama”. She says “mama”, but it’s hard to tell if she means me or what. I’m not too worried. I know lots of other kids who didn’t really start talking until much later. And Amelie understands a ton, in both English and Japanese. She gets me stuff when I ask for it. She can go and close the door if you ask her to. She helps clean up. She can imitate sounds, and she babbles nonsense constantly. But she doesn’t have any real words yet. She’ll get there, I know, but any time there is something not quite right, I worry that it has something to do with her arm. I know it’s probably completely unrelated. But I’m a mom. I worry. That’s my job.
We met with the bone specialist next. That was a bit shocking. Last time we saw him, about 6 months ago, the talk was “at age 6 or 7, when she can communicate her wishes, we can decide whether to proceed with a surgery or not, maybe no surgery, we’ll have to see, etc.” This time straight away the dr. said, “so the growth of her arm is proceeding like I thought it would, and it looks like we’ll have to perform the surgery at age 4 or 5.” That was so not what we were expecting to hear. I didn’t think we were going to hear anything that we didn’t already know, but Akinori and I both thought there was a chance we wouldn’t have to do the surgery. I suppose no one will force us to, but I wasn’t prepared for the dr. to be so matter-of-fact about the surgery being absolute. There’s a dr. well into his 80’s at a hospital much closer to us, who has performed this surgery a number of times as well, so we are going to seek out his opinion sometime in the near future, while he’s still alive and practicing, though I am not letting an 80-something year old man cut into my baby. Sorry, that’s probably ageist or whatever, but I don’t care. Not gonna happen.
So we headed back to Nagano, and poor Amelie has had a runny nose and cough for the last few days and will all of the nose wiping, her poor nose went bloody today, so Akinori decided we needed to take her to the regular pediatrician to get some meds, which is fine, but quite honestly I have been feeling like shit the last several days. I’ve had a terribly sore throat and a constant low-grade fever that has left me without any energy at all, and just feeling generally nauseated all the time and wanting to curl up in bed and do nothing. I just wanted to go home, but I would rather Amelie stopped sniffling and coughing, so we did a little shopping and then went to the dr., again.
By the time we were finished with the dr. it was nearly time to pick Sara up from kindy, so we all went and then came home and Akinori is making dinner and I canceled my belly dance lesson for tonight. I really hate doing that. We so need that income, but I just feel so horrible that it was hard enough for me to walk around shopping today, the thought of dancing around just makes me want to cry. I really hope I start feeling better soon. I have to take Amelie for her regular hip check-up tomorrow, and Akinori will be at work, so I’ll be on my own. Might be time to take myself to the dr.
Here’s hoping tomorrow is a better day!