What do I even title this post?

So much to talk about. Where do I start? I guess with the reason I’ve been password protecting my posts for the last 6 months. I got pregnant in March, but for some reason I really didn’t feel comfortable telling people about the pregnancy. I guess somewhere inside me I knew it wouldn’t work out, and it didn’t. I ended up having a D&C at the end of of May. It sucked, and it was hard. It’s still sad to think about and I wish it never happened. The worst part was all of the worrying and not knowing before the D&C. The first doctor I saw was not very forthcoming about where the pregnancy was headed even though I could tell from the first ultrasound pretty much that it was bad news right from the start, so I spent about a month in complete turmoil and it SUCKED!

On to the good news! After the D&C I got my period back relatively quickly and in July I was able to get pregnant again! I was much nervous than happy about it all, and I freaked out when the ultrasound didn’t show anything at all the first time I went to the doctor at 4 weeks 6 days. But there was a strong heartbeat the next time I went back and the doctor sent me to get my mother and child handbook, which made me think he was fairly confident about the pregnancy this time around as I was still only about 7 weeks and a bit at the time. I had another appointment at 9 weeks where they took blood, took a look inside my belly and told me to come back in 2 weeks for the results. That appointment was yesterday, and it was supposed to be my last at this hospital as I planned to move to the midwife clinic so I could give birth there from my next appointment.

The nurse calls me in first and says the results from my blood test are back and the doctor will go over them with me. She asked about my morning sickness which has been god-awful-horrible until the last week or so. I really felt like I just wanted to die a few times over the last month or so it’s just been so miserable. I haven’t even really gained any weight this pregnancy so far, which is unheard of for me! But my clothes have been getting tighter, which is also a new thing. Even with Amelie I was still wearing my regular clothes until I was 5 or 6 months. I didn’t really start showing until I was well into the 6th or 7th month. I just looked kind of fat, and since I still have plenty of clothes from when I was quite overweight, I didn’t really need maternity clothes until I started to really look pregnant. Anyway, the morning sickness has gotten better in that it is no longer 24/7. When it’s bad it’s bad, but at least I can sleep now.

The doctor then called me in and I got up into the chair and he started the internal exam, and I was looking at my screen on my side of the curtain and it looked like he was having trouble finding the baby. It looked like something was wrong. There was too much stuff on the screen is the only way I can describe it. And the doctor then says, “Kaneta-san, I’m so sorry.” and I start freaking out because I think he’s about to tell me the baby is severely deformed or I have placenta previa or something like that. He just keeps saying “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.” WTF?! Tell me already! And the the doctor says “You’re carrying twins.” And all I could say was “Huh?” and the tears started falling, and then I started laughing, and then I started crying and then I started laughing again, and then it turned into hysterical laughter. And the doctor kept saying “I’m so sorry I didn’t find the other one sooner. Let’s have a look through your tummy.” So I get dressed and go to the other ultrasound machine in his office and there they are, TWO babies!! Two healthy heartbeats, two bodies of practically the same exact size.

The doctor explained that it is standard to find twins at the 5 or 6 week exam as they are much easier to see because everything is still so small and compact, and there’s not much room for error. He said it’s very rare for twins not to be discovered until the 12th week and he kept apologizing. I knew that twins meant I wouldn’t be able to give birth at the midwife clinic anymore, but the doctor said I couldn’t give birth at that clinic either because they don’t have a NICU, and twins are fairly high risk, so the only places that will take women pregnant with twins are hospitals equipped with NICUs. The doctor said I needed to come back again next week and then I will be going to the Red Cross hospital here.

I think he was so shaken up from the news that he even forgot to go over my blood tests. He also told me that I have lots to think about, so prepare all my questions for next week. I think he was probably just as thrown as I was. Of course when I tried to call Akinori to tell him I realized my phone’s battery was dead, so I called him from the pay phone in the hospital and he didn’t answer. He called the pay phone back though. It felt very 1993. And I told him we were having twins and he just started laughing and laughing. And then he said “wow, we’re good.” He thinks he’s fucking superman now. Wonderful. He’d better turn into Superdad, Superhusband and Superprovider super fast!

It still hasn’t completely sunken in for me. I went shopping after the hospital and I was shaking the entire time. Nerves, excitement, adrenaline. SO much to think about! I then went to get my second mother and child handbook since each child needs one of their own. I called my parents who were obviously shocked, but seemed happy for us. And then I came home and posted on Facebook. I wasn’t going to post about my pregnancy for at least another week, and possibly not even for another month, but all of a sudden I felt like I needed a lot of support. It’s actually helped me in allowing reality to sink in. I don’t think it’s all fit together in my brain just yet, but I’m getting there.

It makes a lot of sense now. My horrible morning sickness is/was due to having two babies wreaking havoc on my hormones instead of one. My stomach is actually showing a bit already and Akinori and I both thought it was really early to start showing. There is so much to think about, and I am so worried. I have heard so many horror stories about twin births, and premature births, which is so much more likely with twins. I know many people who were preemies or who have had preemies and you would never have guessed the child was born anything less than 100% fighting fit. But I have friends with twins and their story isn’t quite as happy. I need to do more research and ask lots more questions, but I really would like to know the odds of something going wrong etc.

I just started teaching 2 new belly dance classes at a culture school, and I swore to them this pregnancy wouldn’t effect anything. The class ends about 1.5 months before my due date, and I taught classes until a week before I gave birth to Amelie, so I didn’t think it would be a problem, but I have serious doubts that I will be able to teach when I am 34 weeks, and I wonder what the doctor will say about it all. I’m hoping it will be okay for me to teach until I am at least 20 weeks. I guess that’s just another question I need to ask.

It’s all pretty ironic though. Akinori has always wanted 4 kids, and I wanted 3 to start out, but he somehow convinced me along the way that 4 would be a good idea. However considering our financial situation (and my miserable morning sickness) I was thinking we really needed to rethink that plan. I didn’t want to wait another 3 or 4 years to go back to work full-time. We just can’t afford it. Obviously I won’t be going back to work for another year at least, but our family will be complete much quicker now and I don’t have to worry about taking more time off my career (if there is a career for me to go back to). Plus I didn’t want to be giving birth in my 40’s. I was so tired after Amelie’s birth when I was 35, I was terrified to think of how exhausted I would be as a 40-year old mother to a newborn, 2 toddlers and 1 elementary aged child. Don’t have to worry about that anymore either! All taken care of! Someone is definitely looking out for me! We have been doubly blessed for a reason, lots of reasons really. Now I just need the strength to survive it all!

Twins!