Monthly Archives: July 2013

Poor Me


Yep this post is going to be all about me feeling sorry for myself, so if you’re not interested click on something else. And please don’t tell me how I have so much to be thankful for, because I know I do. But right now, I need to feel sorry for myself because right now life is hard.

So FIL is doing well, which is great. But he will be in the hospital for another month or two, and off work for another 6 or so. Right now he is at Nisseki, near us, but he will be moving back to the hospital near my IL’s house in August. At least I hope he will. Right now, Monday through Friday, I drive to Suzaka, the next city over and a 30-40 minute drive, pick up my MIL, drive her to Nisseki, another 30-40 minute drive, then we go and pick-up Amelie and Sara from daycare and kindy, drive 30-40 minutes back to Suzaka, and then 30-40 minutes back home. We usually get home sometime between 6 and 7 p.m. when I have to get dinner for the girls, done usually with one or both boys screaming throughout, just because it’s the witching hour, not because they are hungry. Then Akinori comes home sometime between 8 and 9, and does the bath, and then it’s bedtime, and I am so fucking exhausted at the end of every single day I am usually asleep before anyone.

That is just the afternoons. Mornings are another story. Akinori was taking the girls to school, but now he is leaving the house at 5:30. At first he was coming back home after walking his parents’ dog and watering his dad’s garden. But having him come back home to help for 30 minutes seemed pretty stupid, so I told him to leave the house a little later and not bother coming home. Unfortunately he still has to leave at 5:30. There’s just a lot of work to be done before he goes to that day’s work site. Anyway, I now do the whole morning routine with the girls myself. It’s okay for the most part. I mean, the girls are leaving for the day, so I just continue to tell myself there is an end in sight and trudge through it and get everyone ready. Somedays it’s actually enjoyable when the girls wake up in a good mood and don’t ask for snacks after breakfast or complain that their hair is in pigtails when they wanted one ponytail at the back after asking for pigtails. Or today’s tantrum, I wouldn’t give Sara a manicure with red nail polish because it was 30 minutes before we had to leave the house and I was still in my pj’s and the boys still needed to be changed and fed.

Then I come back home and play with the boys, fold laundry, put laundry in the washer, do other minor chores until it’s time to go get MIL. On Mondays and Fridays a woman from the city comes and stays with the boys while I do the kindy run in the morning. She helps fold the laundry and basically looks after the boys while I either do chores, or last Friday I was just so tired I needed to nap. When I woke up it was 11:30 and she is only meant to stay until 10:30, but she said I seemed so tired she didn’t want to wake me. She’s such a sweet lady.

Last week one day, I don’t remember which, I was waiting for the elevator at the hospital with the boys and suddenly I got so dizzy I nearly fell over. If I didn’t have the stroller to hold onto I definitely would have fallen over. It passed though in a few minutes, but the dizziness is back again this morning. It’s not as bad as it was in those few moments last week. I have never been that dizzy while stone cold sober in my entire life. But I have had dizziness spells before twice in my life. The first time was when I was still working, just after I came back from my honeymoon and I was under fire at work because this bitch who I thought was my good friend was going around behind my back spreading lies and trying to get me fired and I just found out and felt like everyone in management thought *I* was the bitch. The truth ended up coming out in the end, and she got fired, but it was a super stressful time. The second time was when Amelie was about 6 weeks old and March 11 happened, and I was suffering from some associated PTSD, and again was suffering from some major stress. So I have a feeling this dizziness is associated with stress. There is nothing that can be done about it, and I can’t take medicine anyway since I’m breastfeeding. But I probably shouldn’t be driving. I don’t seem to have much of a choice though. I’d love to hire some help, even if just to cook dinner in the evening and nothing else, but we really don’t have the money for that. Probably something else adding to my stress. Even if it were just 1 hour a day, that costs 800 yen or something like that, 5 x’s a week x’s 4 weeks and it adds up.

There are some good things that have come out of this. Driving my MIL to and from the hospital every day makes me feel like I am able to pay my IL’s back just a little bit for everything they do for us. And now Akinori and my FIL are both convinced that we need to move to Suzaka sooner rather than later, which means we will hopefully start planning our house by the end of this year, and building sometime next year.

Babies crying. Gotta go.

Edit: Just found out FIL will only be in hospital for another 2 weeks at most. Yeah! Yeah for him! Yeah for me! Yeah for everyone! Two weeks I can do. Two weeks I’ve already done. Two more weeks. Doable.